Friday 12 February 2016

Message: Unsent.

We've all had those messages we wish we'd sent, or hadn't for that matter. We've come so close to hitting that "Send" button, but there's that inner voice in the back of your mind telling you it's a bad idea. Sometimes it is, and sometimes, you just have to hit that button and take a chance with Fate.
I have done both these things; with my parents, friends, and those I once was more than 'just friends' with. I tell you, it's so much easier to convince yourself that this is a good idea under the heavy intoxication of the infamous Quad Vods of your local student bar. I've sent messages I wish I hadn't, and sometimes, I feel like I just had to. You just need to get that thing off your chest. And sometimes you breathe that refreshing sigh of relief, and sometimes you regret it instantly and have to endure a drawn out conversation that you wish you never had. Again, this has happened to me, and as I'm sure, many of you. If there's that niggling bit of doubt in your mind, be cautious when making a decision like this. You don't want it to bite you in the arse.

The impetus for this post came from an article I stumbled upon on the Daily Mail (other good newspapers are available) at the end of January. It talked of a girl- Rora Blue, as she is known to her followers, who started a project surrounding unsent messages to peoples' first loves. Now, normally I'm quite cynical when it comes to mushy, lovey-dovey, cringeworthy messages such as the ones displayed in her Sacramento collage, but something about this just seemed a little different.
With an initial response of 2000 messages, Rora asked people to submit a message under the prompt: State your first loves name and tell me what you would tell them if you sent them a text message. Also include the colour that you think of when you think of your first love.” Now, I'm sure you all of person, a brief idea of a message, and maybe perhaps a colour that remind you of your first love. If you don't know you've been in love, or think you have, that works too. Her aim- to "visually encompass the complexity of the feelings and colors associated with a first love". Now, to you and me, this must seem fairly easy. We all know what we'd want to say to that one person. Or do we?

I had a thought about this whilst reading- what would I say to my first love? This led me to question whether I had been in love at all, or whether I had just told myself that at the time? So, meaning to look properly at Rora's project for weeks over the beginning of semester two of my academic year, I finally found time to look at this very brightly colourful and diverse collage; with messages declaring enduring and unrelenting love for the person in question, to those a little for sceptical of the relationship, to those ones that were slightly more bitter. And when I mean bitter, I mean the words "fuck" and "karma" were used very excessively.
Some people say that you should never regret meeting anyone, or a relationship, because at the time it was exactly what you wanted. But surely that means, we as human beings, aren't then going to learn from our experiences if we don't reflect on them and ask ourselves what we would do differently, or vice versa?
My flatmate has said the same thing to me. Now, my problem is that my ex is also friends with my housemate, and was even before we had crossed paths, and also currently lives with her boyfriend. So I can understand her trying to remain impartial. Although, I've come to learn, that no matter how much someone says they're unbiased, there always tend to be a lenience to one side or another. My relationship with my ex-boyfriend was not a bad relationship in the slightest. And many ask, including myself, why we ended in the first place? His feeble answer of "I think I'd be happier single right now" just didn't seem to cut it. This is even further complicated by him telling me that he still loved and cared for me, he just couldn't be in a relationship right now.
If he had talked me through his feelings I probably would've understood more reasonably, and we wouldn't be in the awkward and sometimes anger-stricken, I can't call it a relationship, place we are in. We only see each other if we go out as a group. So we sit in the same room, acting as if we don't know each other, whilst behind the exterior we know every inch of each other's hearts, minds and bodies. I can honestly admit that he's better at acting as if nothing had ever happened than I am. I'm not one to bullshit about how I feel, but I'm also not going to make the situation any worse than it already is, because that's not fair on either of us, or our friends caught in the middle.

Rora's project has since reached over thousands of people all across the globe, even to me right here in the UK. Reading some of the messages that are updated to her website's archive, I found some that were utterly heart-breaking, because I found myself understanding what they were meaning, in a way I never had before. And part of me hated that I did. I understood the pain they felt mourning someone who was still alive. The devastation of seeing the one they love look at someone else in the way they used to look at you. The pang inside you that makes you feel sick when you hear they have someone new. Someone that's not you.
So much for being single...

If you've read my previous post, that include my article published in the Wessex Scene concerning the idea of "relationship goals", then you might've picked up on a few small details, that in all may seem entirely insignificant. When I talk of seeing my ex as a stranger I know everything about. The things I know are subtly included in the article. Yes, his favourite colours are in fact black and orange. He does prefer numbers to words, whereas I'm the exact opposite. This is mainly due to my ineptitude to solve anything further than a simultaneous equation at GCSE level. All you have to do is look at our highly differing degrees- I study History, whereas he studies Maths and Physics. EW. I know, grim. Gives me shudders just thinking about it. And we spent many a time speeding down awfully thin country roads, blaring out anything from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers to The Kooks. The surprisingly sunny and clear weather made this feel as if it could've been a movie scene. Too good to be true.

Rora tries to understand the complexity and variation in emotions people have toward their first loves. What colour would I think of? That's easy- orange. I can't associate any other colour with him than orange- not fluorescent, but not dull either. And the feelings I have toward him? Well, that is something unexplainable. It swings from one extreme to another. Right now, I don't recognise him. He's not the man I met at the end of 2014, and accidently fell in love with a few months later. I can honestly say that if I had met him now, at this very point rather than a year ago- I'd hate him. We wouldn't get on at all. We would clash like thunder and lightening. And in the end, lightening is always more destructive. Sadly part of me regrets getting into a relationship with him, because I've lost more than I've gained, due to the amount of effort and investment we had both put in. You can see this, just by how far we travelled to see each other outside of uni- him being from Somerset, and me from a quaint village in the home county of Surrey.

The Unsent Project offers a personal insight to people's raw and real emotions toward others. I can't implore you enough to visit her website and see the rainbow of emotions for yourself. These declarations aren't cowardly, but unfortunately for some, the things we want to say, they just shouldn't matter or are relevant to the other person anymore.
It's hard having to see that one person you let in move on to someone else. Especially when they're a constant feature in your life. I, unfortunately, can't escape, which makes this all the more difficult. Part of me is torn between wanting to scream or hide under my duvet. Unfortunately, mine and his time together is up. I've lost my best friend. The person who knows me better than anyone else- and yes Mum, he just knows me in a different way. More intimately.

I feel vulnerable knowing that he knows everything. That he was the first person I let in, and he seemingly got bored. He's never been good at articulating his thoughts, so I seem to be looking for an answer I'm never going to get.
Unfortunately, we are now unable to salvage any form of friendship we could've had. Why, you may ask? Because we apparently "had something between us". So I asked myself- does that mean what he had with his girlfriend before me wasn't "something"? Because they get on fine now, because they've moved on, or as he described it "it's as if we never went out". So does that mean, actually and rather surprisingly, he did love me like he said he did? Or am I not worth his time?
The thing is, I know I still bother him. Because I have rule- don't ask, don't care. And he does the opposite- even if it it's completely innocent. I think I'll bother him until the day we properly part ways. Who knows? Time can change things. 

So express those feelings you may've bottled up inside. Visit Rora's website and take note of the varying array of Unsent messages, because if unlike me you actually have some degree of emotion, it will capture you in a unique way. And write your own if you feel you have something important to say.

You can also purchase your own personalised sticker, with colour and message applicable only to you, through Etsy.com, so go check it out if you'd like that little nostalgic reminder of your first love. And if you find yourself hovering over that "Send" button, just think- is it really what you want to say? And what will it achieve
I've been lucky enough to be in contact with Rora directly, when I stupidly forgot to add my personalised message when purchasing my stickers. I asked about her inspiration for the collage and why she chose to express her vision in this way. I hope she chooses to expand her work, which you can also find on her websites. Ones which you can also take part in. One in particular, I found most amusing called "My ex's shit".

Check out her website here for more details about the Unsent Project: http://rorablue.com/unsentcollage


The Unsent Project made me think about what I would say to me ex, but also what he would say to me. He was never good with words anyway, so it would probably be brief. We don't talk now, so who knows how he feels.

"The medium is the message."- Marshall McLuhan

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